It's two pictures of my daughters taken about 18 months apart. The first is when my youngest is 9 months old. She was lively, smiley, happy little baby. The second was last week nearing the age of 3 years old. She looks lost, in her own world, sad to me.
I don't know the why's of why Avery is the way she is but something "got lost" here during this time. I always figured if I spent anytime trying to figure out why this happened to her I would drive myself crazy. I know I would. I have a few theories of why our generations children have changed so much in the last 20 years but I like to keep them to myself.
While I love the first picture of my girls, the second picture I only like. I think it's because she looks lost and it hurts me. Now any normal toddler taking a picture can get a "deer in the headlights" look on them when caught at the right time. With Avery though seeing the pictures next to each is just a reminder that she wasn't always like this.
It leads to questions like the one that stands out, "will she always be like this?" I don't mind thinking about it sometimes but I don't like to dwell on it. I can't predict the future because if I could I would be a lotto winner and I would know when the Cubs eventually win a World Series until then I can hope that she won't always be like this, we will win the lotto and the Cubs will eventually get their proverbial shit together and win a World Series before I kick the bucket.
I kinda know how you feel on this one. I look back at pictures of Sarah and she had that look. Every damn time I took her for pro pictures I would get, "umm, does she smile at home?!?!". I would have to do the weirdest things to get a smile on camera and I never thought anything of it... I look back at so many pictures and I see that look - those eyes just gone.
ReplyDeleteNow it's easier to get pictures. It's been one year since we found out and Sarah has been in school for seven months and in pictures I see a day and night difference.
Granted our girls are not in the same place on the spectrum and day in and day out there are always challenges but I can tell you that I see hope
in Sarah's new pictures. She is growing more every day, every week.
The love and dedication you have your girls inspires me. You are a rock star. I think moms of "special" kids are quite special themselves. We don't give up - even if we want to. Not say you do, but I know a lot of times I want to run away. My girls keep me going and I know yours do too.
Although I think you and I need a girls weekend in Vegas or something. ;) heehee!
Thanks Tier- I know this makes my blog sound very angry sad but it's really not all that just a big part of our journey right now.
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