I wasn't thinking that this morning when I was putting together the picture collage. My oldest daughter was student of the week at school and the teacher asked for us to have a poster board about our child for the week. Well I got the note at the beginning of the week. Now this week we've had 4 therapy sessions, 2 classes for Avery, and Monday was her big ol IEP meeting. So I was a goof and didn't get the "poster board" done til this morning and I made a photo collage. Easy Peasy. Only after looking at the collage later with my husband and the pictures were side by side did it come to mind.
It's two pictures of my daughters taken about 18 months apart. The first is when my youngest is 9 months old. She was lively, smiley, happy little baby. The second was last week nearing the age of 3 years old. She looks lost, in her own world, sad to me.
I don't know the why's of why Avery is the way she is but something "got lost" here during this time. I always figured if I spent anytime trying to figure out why this happened to her I would drive myself crazy. I know I would. I have a few theories of why our generations children have changed so much in the last 20 years but I like to keep them to myself.
While I love the first picture of my girls, the second picture I only like. I think it's because she looks lost and it hurts me. Now any normal toddler taking a picture can get a "deer in the headlights" look on them when caught at the right time. With Avery though seeing the pictures next to each is just a reminder that she wasn't always like this.
It leads to questions like the one that stands out, "will she always be like this?" I don't mind thinking about it sometimes but I don't like to dwell on it. I can't predict the future because if I could I would be a lotto winner and I would know when the Cubs eventually win a World Series until then I can hope that she won't always be like this, we will win the lotto and the Cubs will eventually get their proverbial shit together and win a World Series before I kick the bucket.