Friday, May 20, 2011

Before and After

I wasn't thinking that this morning when I was putting together the picture collage. My oldest daughter was student of the week at school and the teacher asked for us to have a poster board about our child for the week. Well I got the note at the beginning of the week. Now this week we've had 4 therapy sessions, 2 classes for Avery, and Monday was her big ol IEP meeting. So I was a goof and didn't get the "poster board" done til this morning and I made a photo collage. Easy Peasy.  Only after looking at the collage later with my husband and the pictures were side by side did it come to mind.

It's two pictures of my daughters taken about 18 months apart. The first is when my youngest is 9 months old. She was lively, smiley, happy little baby. The second was last week nearing the age of 3 years old. She looks lost, in her own world, sad to me.

I don't know the why's of why Avery is the way she is but something "got lost" here during this time.  I always figured if I spent anytime trying to figure out why this happened to her I would drive myself crazy. I know I would. I have a few theories of why our generations children have changed so much in the last 20 years but I like to keep them to myself.

While I love the first picture of my girls, the second picture I only like. I think it's because she looks lost and it hurts me. Now any normal toddler taking a picture can get a "deer in the headlights" look on them when caught at the right time. With Avery though seeing the pictures next to each is just a reminder that she wasn't always like this.

It leads to questions like the one that stands out, "will she always be like this?" I don't mind thinking about it sometimes but I don't like to dwell on it. I can't predict the future because if I could I would be a lotto winner and I would know when the Cubs eventually win a World Series until then I can hope that she won't always be like this, we will win the lotto and the Cubs will eventually get their proverbial shit together and win a World Series before I kick the bucket.


  1. I kinda know how you feel on this one. I look back at pictures of Sarah and she had that look. Every damn time I took her for pro pictures I would get, "umm, does she smile at home?!?!". I would have to do the weirdest things to get a smile on camera and I never thought anything of it... I look back at so many pictures and I see that look - those eyes just gone.

    Now it's easier to get pictures. It's been one year since we found out and Sarah has been in school for seven months and in pictures I see a day and night difference.

    Granted our girls are not in the same place on the spectrum and day in and day out there are always challenges but I can tell you that I see hope
    in Sarah's new pictures. She is growing more every day, every week.

    The love and dedication you have your girls inspires me. You are a rock star. I think moms of "special" kids are quite special themselves. We don't give up - even if we want to. Not say you do, but I know a lot of times I want to run away. My girls keep me going and I know yours do too.

    Although I think you and I need a girls weekend in Vegas or something. ;) heehee!

  2. Thanks Tier- I know this makes my blog sound very angry sad but it's really not all that just a big part of our journey right now.